Yes, time is
inexorably moving toward 12/21/12, the time when a long-dead civilization's calendar terminates, during which aliens will ravage the Earth, the ozone will explode and the Earth's crust will start to collapse. If you are reading this right now, you might have one year left to live ...I'm really not that worried. So a couple of Mexicans said the world is going to end for cosmic reasons that we have no way of knowing. People have no idea what's going to happen, and we can't ask any Mayans themselves because the myth is they simply disappeared (which is bullsh*t).
But let's look at the bright side. I consider this whole irrational doomsday craze a win-win for me considering I am a cynical d-bag.
It's a win because the world probably won't end unless the United States pisses China off or something of the like in the next several months. A meteor just passed the world by a few miles a few months ago. Statistically, some kind of event just not in the cards right now based on available information.
It's another win entirely because if these eschatology kooks are right, this year will be the penultimate or final time we ever see a year-end list.
Yes. The long and convoluted introduction this time is about my hatred of year-end "Top-Ten" lists. Do you see what I did? I tied together thousands of people's fears of the future to satisfy my need to express my own curmudgeonly dissatisfaction concerning a rather innocuous constant in arts publications everywhere. They serve little purpose than to belittle the author's respective audience.
Look, it's not that I loathe everything in the world. I'd like to believe I am a pretty tolerant person, especially when it comes to popular culture. I mean I could care less about Justin Bieber. Let the kid do him. The Biebs should be able to have sex for 30 seconds in a bathroom stall and have the girl accusing him of impregnating her be labeled a statutory rapist. He's earned that right as a star. The Twilight saga also doesn't bother me either. It's not my demographic to which Stephanie Meyer is catering. Something has to replace soap operas to keep unemployable actors at work. Having girls obsess over a hunky vampire is one way to keep otherwise normal urges under control. The Religious Right should be thanking Ms. Meyer instead of labeling as a the devil's concubine.
However, I cannot stand the pervasiveness of critics giving their "Top Ten" on their respective field at the end of the year, especially in music commentary circles. I say this because I sincerely doubt these music critics listened to all the albums that came out this year. In fact, I doubt they listened to all the LPs on their lists. When I suddenly see albums from bands I've never heard of make the list, I can't help but think I missed something. Where was a review of this band before? That's right. They were turned onto the band because they saw a review in some obscure Web site or one of their tweeker roommates turned them onto this band. They didn't comment on it because this happened on Dec. 3 and their articles were due Dec. 7.
How can I in good conscience write off this whole process? I can because I've done this several times, and each time it felt so insincere writing a list.
The secret is to list most of the albums that match up to other lists and add two new ones that the other writer didn't think of. It's a pretty simple formula.
At least one album has to be overly pretentious. For this, you need to put your hipster knit cap and glasses on and pick a band out of left field (see Good and Evil by Tally Hall). Reviewers make the mistake in picking more than two, and it makes them seem like sanctimonious a-holes. New bands deserve to be discovered, absolutely. However, it really bothers me that there no coverage in the outlets on that band until this time, and if there was a review, it was a 100-word blurb buried toward the back.
You then need a populist pick. It has to be a decent album, no doubt, but one that Rolling Stone, for example, would probably put at No. 23. The caveat is it can go no higher than No. 4 (RS broke its own rule and put Watch the Throne by Jay-Z and Kanye West as No. 2, a direct violation that made them look really stupid). Take a look at these "Top Tens," you'll find the formula fits in almost every instance.
What does this mean? It means these lists are Grade-D bologna.
I said I've created several of these things before. The last time I did this was at my paper in college, when, in another occurrence of my hapless existence, page designer was suddenly struck with illiteracy and put my clearly labeled list in reverse order — my No. 1o was No. 1 and my No. 9 was No.2, etc. When I flipped to the special section in my periodical and saw the list, which I didn't want to do in the first place, it was printed out of order. I have never been so mad at a piece of paper in my life. It might seem like I'm making a mountain out of a molehill, but, as you've seen in my analysis of list making above, I looked like a fool to the musically informed across campus.
"Jim, did you seriously put The Blueprint 3 that high?" passers-by asked. No, I didn't, jackass. That was my No. 8. The designer messed up. Don't blame me. Flerg. It didn't matter. I had to own up to the mistake. I wasn't going to go out in State College to defend myself at every turn. So I didn't go into town for a month (because it was Christmas break, but you get the point).
If you're looking for me to do the same this year, no dice. Hopefully, you like this blog for some surprises and my off-the-cuff opinions because you find them entertaining. So, I had the idea that instead of listing some albums I couldn't care less about that happened to be released this year, I would describe some albums that I care about that others would not.
I might not have the best iTunes library in the world, but it definitely brings all the boys to the yard (and they're like it's better than yours). It has a few albums on there that I'm not proud of owning. It also has some albums on there that I absolutely adore that people see and go "Ah..." or "Ew ...," thereby destroying my cred as music guru in-residence. Look, folks, I have 30 GBs on my iPod. There are going to be some stinkers on there.
With that, I am going to make my case right now. This is my "Top Ten Guilty Pleasures List" for 2011. If I don't convince you to listen to these albums immediately after reading this blog ... keep reading anyway because this is a gimmick. These are whole albums, mind you. I got some singles on there that are simply unforgivable.
10. Purple Rain - Prince
This is for all the people who I mentioned said "Ah..." or "Ew..."
Yes, to some of you who have good taste, I'm serious. People have said to me, "Prince? Ew... He's a total fruit." You have got to be kidding me. Not only is this one of the best albums ever made, but to say Prince is some kind of crazy fairyboy shows how much you know about music. Even though Prince dabbles in wearing pretty flamboyant clothing, a). it shouldn't matter if he's gay or not, and b). he lays the pipe. I think his dating record (Carmen Electra, Kim Basinger, Susanna Hoffs) speaks for itself. That's neither here nor there. Don't let jokes from old sitcoms write Prince off. This album defined so many genres of music for decades. If you listen to this album, it will change your life.9. Alive! - Kiss
This gets the same reaction as Purple Rain in that people write them off without even listening to them, but this deserves a little bit more of an explanation. This album isn't nearly as good as profound in the same way Kiss can't compare to the musicality of Prince. It's a little bit more quirky and rudimentary, but that's its charm. Kiss keeps it simple, stupid, and that's what made them so beloved. I agree most of the songs sound the same. That's why it's so good. In my opinion, this is one of the best live albums I've ever heard. There is nothing better than listening to this album when you have the hits for it. It's '70s rock n' roll at its sloppy best. If you give it a chance, you might become a member of the Kiss Army yourself.
8. Come Away with Me - Norah Jones
This is definitely one of my more sappier albums. Even so, sometimes you feel like you want to kick back and relax or cry a little bit. This is the perfect LP for that. Ms. Jones has such a soulful, mournful voice, which helped her garner multiple Grammy Awards in 2003 (to the chagrin of many of the ladies in my grade school who wanted Eminem and Vanessa Carlton to win. Some people absolutely despise Norah Jones to this day. Welcome to the club, Esperanza Spalding). Still, Jones hearkened back to a time when adult contemporary artists could lighten your mood, and this helped introduce me to other jazz singers like Ella Fitzgerald and Sarah Vaughn.
7. Hoobastank - Hoobastank
This looks bad. However, the Hoob's debut album is actually a pretty good nu-metal standard. I think "Crawling in the Dark" is an awesome song, and it draws me back to some of the better rock music of the early 2000s. It's not stupendous, but it might be up your alley if you like Incubus of Staind.
6. Brushfire Fairytales - Jack Johnson
This looks worse. This is one of three Jack Johnson albums I own. My cousin called him the James Taylor of our generation. My friend called him James Taylor and Dave Matthews's man-child. Either way, this doesn't scream hip. I think a few Occupy protesters are actually protesting his concert at Philly's own World Cafe as we speak. Even though I kind of feel embarrassed, I think there are a few good songs on here. Of course "Flake" is on here, but I think "The News" is also a good take on how broadcast journalism sometimes takes a too sensationalistic stance. Sometimes you just want to hear some pure acoustic ballads. Still, I understand if you have lost respect for me.
5. ReLoad - Metallica
Yeah. I'm not proud of this one. This is one of Metallica's worst. It's not St. Anger bad, but it's bad. For example, the song "Low Man's Lyric" has some awful bagpipes on it for no discernible reason. For another example, this was the album that gave us the sequel to The Black Album's "The Unforgiven," "The Unforgiven II." Like Michael Bay's Transformers, the original was passable, but the sequel makes you wish the original never happened. What can you expect when you combine blood and semen (That is blood and semen photographed on the album jacket)? Still, it's Metallica. A bad Metallica album is still better than a good Nickelback album (cheap argument).
4. The Goldmember Soundtrack
I bought this because of the Dr. Evil rap. I still know the words. Invite me to your next party because I am very cool. It still has a few good songs like "Shining Star" by Earth, Wind and Fire and a Dr. Dre remix of The Stones' "Miss You."
3. Baptism - Lenny Kravitz
To make sure you know how bad this album is, I gave away a lot of my old CDs, and the kid took all 23 of them except for this one. He said he threw it in the trash. I gave these CDs away for free, and he threw this one in the trash. The only song I remember from this album, which I kind of enjoyed, is "I Don't Want to Be a Star," which describes how he deals with celebrity with a few famous friends, but the only thing I remember about this one is how I kind of didn't like it and how someone threw it out. Creepy album cover, too, am I right? I haven't listened to it, according to iTunes, since 2008. Still, better than Nickelback.
2. Retaliation - Dane Cook
Look, I think he's funny, but I can see why people can think he is the biggest doush on the planet. Cook fans say this is the departure point from "Old Dane" to "Doushy Dane," but these are where most of his more recognized jokes originated. I mean seriously, guys, someone sh*t on the coats!
1. Diver Down - Van Halen
I like to see the best in every album, but this one makes it so hard to do that. I hate this album. I bought it because I'm a huge Van Halen fan (Lee Roth era). Because I'm a fan, I can sa
y this: I think David Lee Roth took the reins on this one, which resulted in a lot of bad covers, making "Hang 'Em High" the only good original among the track listing. The album is called Diver Down in reference to the notice posted by snorkelers and divers that says there is someone in the water below. It is a metaphor to show that most of the album's substance lies below the surface; the musical arrangements are the star as opposed to the songwriting. Seriously? No wonder this band broke up soon after this train wreck. Even though the group made 1984 after this album, I blame this work as the beginning of the end for the '80s best authentic rock band (imho). Still, like the title suggests, it shows how versatile the Van Halen family is as musicians. Eddie gets shafted a lot and he's just as good as he always is as a guitarist on this LP, but some songs on here just make you feel extremely ill.Well, I hope you liked! I hope the world doesn't end so I can do another top ten in a wacky way next year. If you didn't like this departure, I promise I'll go back to the original format next time.
For Next Time: El Camino - The Black Keys
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